New decade

February spring in Pirano, Slovenia

2018 was hands down the best year of my life. It was the year beyond anything I could ever imagine. I was traveling, seen the world (well, Europe), took the chances, fell in love, the year I was truly happy. The time I started molding and turning sand into a castle. And what a beautiful castle it was. A great base. And therefore 2019 started with a great bang, quite literally. 
But if tide went low to let me create those things, it also started raising again, and slowly but steadily washing away whatever beauty I created, because after all, my castles, my dreams, all my wins and friendships were only made of sand. I guess losing someone you really admired at one point started becoming my annual thing as well.

It started well, cannot deny that, normal for what I said. Because I accepted happy as the new normal for me. Even though I could not for a minute forgot on how unstable ground I'm walking. 

And it was exactly the insecurities that were taking the best of me. It's hard to say when exactly all started crumbling down. Or as the saying would say it's not the speed that kills you, but the moment you stand still. And I stood still, for more than a month this summer, settled in the middle of nowhere, after more than a year of a constant journey, more than a year of running around.

dream sunset in Kota Kinabalu, Malaysia (Borneo)
And then, somehow, I ended back home. Ground bound, without the smallest clue of what will happen next and even smaller clue of when it will happen. I ended in place that I considered, hoped for to be my station, my little safe heaven, just to realize that whatever was sacred to me was sacred to nobody else and that after being gone for more than two years I should have probably stay gone, because as the things stood now it was a change of no reverse.

So what was going on?

Year started like any other for me. I was working, watched the fireworks, had no clue what to do or where to go, until my friend invited me to her birthday trip to Belfast. Afterward I worked at some training, we traveled to Borneo, I went to visit my family in the meantime and we went skiing.
Then some more trips and travels around, until I had to think of where I'd spend my summer. I skipped my flight, went home and ended up working in some rural youth center in Romania. When my position was over, I returned home and kinda just stayed stuck there, first with some great hopes and expectations that failed so miserably I had no idea how to even get out anymore.

rainbow through the storm, Lumbarda, KorĨula, Croatia

November was the first time after more than 20 months that I didn't take any flights (even though I still went to holidays). And then at the beginning of December I returned back to London. I went straight into work and been working every day until the holidays when work became quiet and I was left at home with a terrible cold.

I feel that after seriously unwanted turbulence ride everything returned to somehow normal again, if you can refer to your life in such way without having the smallest clue of what you're next step will be and feeling you have absolutely no control over it as well.




I don't really have any goals, any aims or realistic hopes. All I know is that in the new year (decade) I want to learn to let go. Let go of people who chose to walk out of my life. Let go of things that only have sentimental but no practical value. Let go of dreams that are so pointless they've only ever been there to make me believe in something impossible. And let go of the idea how everything has to be perfect.
Perhaps become more selective on who I "waste" my time with, put trust in and consider a friend, as so many times trying your best with others will result in ""Give them an inch and they'll take a mile". With pride actually, as basic dignity doesn't seem to be much of a value these days anymore.

I still hope to travel, I'm certainly not giving up on being crazy, or on me, ever again, but I'd love my foundations to become something more than sand. I'd like to have the stability that won't make me shiver in the middle of the night when I'd wake up from my sleep. Or simply put to just be in peace, with myself.
I've remembered being in some group session where everyone had to write down what they really wish and mix it in a box. Someone wrote exactly this and it made me think of how simple it might sound, but how truly perfect it actually is. Because I found out that once you're truly happy, you wouldn't wish for something more.

   

Comments

  1. Sometimes not knowing where we'll end up is one of the most exciting things, right!? Sorry to hear things have been quite turbulent for you; I truly hope 2020 is a fabulous year for you - filled with adventures and travel! :)

    aglassofice.com x

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  2. I'm really happy because of new year. 2019 wasn't the best so it's exciting to expect something new.
    Amazing post by the way!
    https://mellifluous-blog.blogspot.com/2020/01/beautiful-dresslily-review-fashion.html

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  3. I love the learning to let go part- same, girl, same! I think it's good for all of us and will help us start the new decade fresh!

    -Ashley
    Le Stylo Rouge

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  4. 2018 was such an amazing year for me as well. 2019 on the other hand, was a rough year for me as I know that it was also rough for a couple of my other friends, but I really look forward to 2020 as being another year where I will come out stronger.

    BLOG | YOUTUBE | INSTAGRAM

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  5. Ah yes I think it is a common right of passage to learn to only have positive people in your life and to remove more toxic influences. But you go to do a lot of traveling so not all was bad. Here is 2020 being a great year!!

    Allie of
    www.allienyc.com

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  6. I wish you all the best in 2020. Letting go was my NYE motto for 2019 or 2018 (I'm not exactly sure) but this motto served me well. Sometimes we just need to let go to be able to find ourselves again. Life is unpredictable and people often aren't what they seem. The world is full of fair feathered friends, those who will be there with you when times are good, but will abandon you at the first sign of trouble.

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  7. Oh wow what a gorgeous sunset! I hope you had a lovely new years, and good luck with your 2020 goals! I hope it's a great year for you xx

    GemmaEtc.com

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  8. I wish you all the best darling!
    Kisses, Paola.

    Expressyourself

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  9. Wish you a happy new year, and may all your wishes come true during this new decade!

    Cats in the City

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  10. I love to travel too! It's so exciting to explore new places and learn about the different cultures.

    xx Simone
    Little Glittery Box

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  11. Learning to let go can be hard sometimes but so necessary! Wishing you the best in 2020!

    Jill - Doused in Pink

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  12. I feel like we had very similar 2019's. It was brutal and I'm still finding the start of a New Year a little difficult to get through - though nowhere near as hard as last year. Wishing you all the very best for 2020 and that the people who left are replaced by others who bring so much more to your life than they ever could

    Sxx
    daringcoco.com

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  13. You had very interesting 2019. and now in 2020. I wish you that you live day by day, enjoy in every of them, let go things that don't mean nothing for you because that make space for new and better experience and people.

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  14. 2019 sounds like an eventful year for you hun, wishing you a marvellous 2020.


    xoxo
    Lovely
    www.mynameislovely.com

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  15. Oh, 2019 was indeed not really easy for you ... wishing you by all my heart that 2020 will be much better for you (maybe even better than 2018)!
    xx from Bavaria/Germany, Rena
    www.dressedwithsoul.com

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  16. I hope 2020 will be wonderful for you!

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  17. I love traveling! I hope that 2020 will bring even more new experiences for you and for me
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  18. New year and new opportunities. You had some amazing traveling experiences. Wishing you an incredible 2020 beautiful. Xx
    Nikki
    www.nikkilivinglife.com/blog

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