The balade of sad clown

Maybe the "sad clown" is just the opposite of living your best possible life at the worst possible times.

Have you ever seen this movie Up in the air, with George Clooney, flying around and firing people, a bit of dramatic and a bit of cheesy stuff. Maybe not my style at first glance, but the message it carries got me to the point that I ended up seeing it in theater twice. Fine, the second time was for free, but I might as well spend that time being admired at a pretty posh party, yet movie it was.
Anyway, the main protagonist of story is constantly on the go and constantly flying around and dreaming of the moment when he'll travel 10 million miles and qualify for American Airlines platinum card. He envisions this moment over and over and it truly seems like a pinnacle of his life. And then it happens. Right after he learned that he actually means nothing to a person that meant a lot to him. And it seems so worthless, the moment he was waiting for years and years and years, just like that, lost in time.

More then a month ago, before anyone even knew what's going to happen, I ordered a set of decorative lights. And as we went in a lockdown and as days were getting warmer, I found my new favourite spot, the terrace, with sunshine hovering over it for most of the afternoon. Who knows what got into me, but I spent hours scrubbing away the dirt, the spots and anything that was staining the tiling, hoovering and polishing it every day, until it became a truly lovely place and the weather turned so warm you could easily sit outside till dark. And I started dreaming of those lights, and how fantastic it would be to spread them over the wall or hang around the railing, especially since I could see a similar example at the neighbors.
And finally, a day or two ago, they arrived. The wonderful solar lights that you just put out and by the time the night falls they'll be ready to shine. So I put them on. But was it beautiful? I don't know. Because how do you know if something is truly beautiful if you're the only one who got to see the beauty.

The thing is, I was having a wonderful time. As much as you can have a wonderful time, when the whole world as we know it is falling apart. I was happy. I was at peace. I was at the best place I could possibly be in the situation we're living in. And as much as I'd wish for everyone to get well, I also didn't mind for this to last much longer. And I was ready to admit that to anyone. Until a couple of days ago. A couple of days ago, when I suddenly, without a thought at even back of my mind, I got left alone.

If a week ago I was constantly reminiscing on my unforgettable moments in Gaziantep. I still need to put that story down, eventually, if nothing else for my own cathartic purpose so I could stop obsessing about it. Because, even though I loved writing my whole life, I only recently discovered how relieving it is to actually get it all out.
Anyway, by the time my memories were running out of the picture, without my knowledge, our time was running out as well.
In the evening I was still sitting outside on the terrace, ready to tell the whole world how happy and lucky I truly am, when at dinner my roommate mentioned to me that there's an option to return home and he's considering it. And not even 36 hours later, he was gone. 
My last photo of memories from 2 years ago was a sour and heartbreaking goodbye of me waving behind a plane in the early morning, with a thought how all people you meet are just people you're going to say goodbye to sooner or later. That morning, while the day was still waking up, I left a house after a long, long time. We walked down the street bathing in the earliest rays of sun, and the trees at the end of it turned into beautiful blooms, creating a pink carpet lying everywhere underneath. It was so beautiful. It was so beautiful it was almost impossible to stand on your feet and not to cry.

One day randomly listening to depressive song, my friend said they remind him of his childhood, because that's the music he was exposed to back then. I didn't understand a word, but based on the music you could tell they're depressing. So, he challenged me to play something in my language, but I couldn't really think of anything, at least not something so sad that it will start cracking your heart even if you don't understand lyrics. I even googled for them, but without the whole context, the music was pretty much alright.

Yet, as soon as he was gone, there was one song ringing on my mind and perfectly describing situation.
It's about a man drinking away his sorrow after loosing somebody, on a beautiful night, looking up at how many stars is there, yet if one of them would fade the part of the sky would die. Just as there's a bit less light left in his life after his friend has departed.
And the chorus would call out '' Just go, go, you'll find something better. The world won't fall apart because of you and if nothing worse happens, nobody will die from this. So just go, and may god be with you. I cared about you too much to ask you to stay, but if only I could cry."
But even without knowing a word, the melody and his cries are sorrowful enough to give you no doubt of how said it's meant to be.

Now I can suddenly understand what all the people were going crazy about. All those lonely friends that I would pitty but really couldn't relate to. And just like that, before even knowing, I became one of them.
Still, afterwards, I've been told I'm still the luckiest girl. Reigning on my own in this massive house in central London, with a numerous rooms, nice garden, beautiful sunny terrace, stocks of food, stuff, and almost every possible gadget I could ever dream of. Yet, referring back to the sad songs, I'd just need someone to fix me, because my whole life I've been getting what I want but not what I need.



  1. You are looking soo pretty! Nice Post! Have a great day!

  2. Really you've got a lot of imagination and creativity!
    Very cool photos!

  3. You look so pretty girl! You are so creative and the pictures look fab!
    Tay | Today With Tayla

  4. Ah yes living in very different times and everyone is reacting differently. I have heard of this movie but I don't think I have seen it. I am going to see if it is on any of the platforms I am on. And good for you for getting your outdoor area so clean! And with the lights indeed it will be special.

    Allie of

  5. Your pictures are so cute!! <3 And yes girl you live your best life through all of this xx

  6. Beautifully written, you describe the feeling of losing friends so well, whether it be permanently or temporarily. I think a little light goes out each time we lose one, and when you feel lonely you become all that you pitied in someone else.

    "The world won't fall apart because of you". I love this! True in every sense.

    xo Sarah | Oomph London

  7. Love how you're being creative during tis time! It really is a blessing to have all the amenities at home!

  8. You look gorgeous in that outfit! Loving the yellow on you.

    xx Simone
    Little Glittery Box

  9. What fun pics! it's sad your roomate left but it's nice that you have that outdoor area all pretty and you can relax and enjoy it :)

    Hope that you are having a good week :)

    Away From Blue

  10. You look amazing in this outfit, the yellow looks fab on you!


  11. What a beautiful piece of writing! I felt so identified because loneliness has been kicking my butt during this lockdown. Plus you gave me the perfect song to dedicate to someone.
    I hope this nightmare starts approaching its end, and that soon we'll go back to those who make us happy.


  12. Beautiful!

    Carina |

  13. I didn't see that movie, but now I felt like watching it.
    Great reflection and I loved the photos :)

  14. These pictures are just stunning! Great idea and you are so creative!


  15. In these difficult times, it is really the little things that get us introspecting.
    Great photos, btw.


  16. I imagine that it is definitely harder to take this lockdown alone. I'm sorry to hear you had to say goodbye to your roommate. I never understood that line in Romeo and Juliette, you know- partings are such sweet sorrow. I don't think there's anything sweet about saying goodbye to someone because there is always that uncertainty of when we will see them again. Isn't it so?
    BTW what you said about the world seeming so beautiful on that early walk- I've been feeling that too. Like the world has somehow become more beautiful- why? It is hard to explain.
    These pictures are so creative and beautiful. You look gorgeous dear.

  17. Movies with flight are usually cheesy, like Up! You know a movie is good if you go and see it multiple times. It is interesting to learn about the overall plot, especially when you see the differences between the time. Love the pictures! They're gorgeous! Thanks for sharing your thoughts :).

    Nancy ♥

  18. wow you look amazing! this is such a creative idea
    style frontier

  19. Hello!
    Tbh i feel it hard not to feel down every now and then during these times, even if you are allright and in the best place possible. It happens to me as well!
    I send you lot of positive vibes!

    My blog - Lalabetterdayz

  20. You look adorable! And how wonderful your terrace is now this lovely place! Enjoy further your time on it!
    xx from Bavaria/Germany, Rena

  21. Du siehst super aus.Wunderschöne Bilder.Man sieht dir sehr gern zu.
    Beim ersten Bild ist dir wohl dein Kleid etwas zu hoch gerutscht.Man
    kann ein wenig dein Höschen sehen.

  22. Such a lovely post!
    Plus you look so positive!
    Love the pictures too.

  23. Awesome blog! You have shared a nice post. Thank you!

    Nahid |

  24. You look amazing in this outfit!
    The yellow looks fab on you!

  25. Great blog! I always come to you with great interest! I will be glad to see you in my blog =))


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